Rossy's Corner

My birthday . . . . again

Yes it’s my birthday …. again. I wanted to spend it in a cabin deep in some woods somewhere, writing my next script but then Corona. So I’m here, at home. I’m not upset or anything like that in fact I’m happy to be alive, I’m still employed but furloughed on some days and I’m working on a few different things.

I like where my life is going. I feel that I’m working towards the goals that will lead me to where I want to be in the future. I’m working on my relationship with God and that has helped in making other areas of my life better.

I had a dream recently where I met this man and when I woke up I understood that he was my guy. This dream was such a wonderful gift! I know that God will send him to me when we are both ready for each other and for now I just need to stay the course of working on me.

My goals remain the same: get rid of my debt, save up a one year emergency fund and save for a house. This is a slow process but I will get there!

Happy birthday to me! And happy birthday to all the other July babies!

Rossy's Corner

Pray for me

I have a secret. A secret that I have kept to myself for all these years.

My secret is my father used to beat me, my sisters and my mother. As the oldest, I would try to protect my mom and sisters as much as I could. I would try to intervene and take the blows my father meant for them. That would only make him angrier and he would beat us more.

I would pray for him to die or for my mom to finally leave him. I hated him so much and even now as I write this I can feel the pain and hate begin to boil and flow through me.

Any little thing would set him off. If one of us brought home a bad grade (anything less than a B) then all of us would be yelled at and beaten. If we did not return the remote to the exact location he had left it, he would know that we had watched TV when he was not there and we would be beaten.

When I was in about third grade, I remember my mother was using a hot comb through my hair and then my sister’s hair before school. It was a painful process where she would put the comb onto the stove to heat it, once it was heated she would comb our hair with it and it caused our hair to become straight. We would cry as she straightened our hair but it was necessary. My father was sleeping at the time and he woke up so angry, yelling and screaming about us disturbing his sleep. So he solved our crying issue by getting his hair trimmer and completely shaving our hair until we were bald as he hit us and yelled at us to stop crying. Then I had to walk to school and go to class bald. I hid my bald head in a baseball cap and tried to disappear in class. Of course, my teacher noticed and made me remove my cap. I slowly removed it as I watched every head in my class turn and look at me. I was already different from all the other students because I was a dark skinned, African tall girl and now bald was added. A boy started laughing at me and I told him to shut up because I had cancer. ( I did not have cancer.)

There were many a time I would walk to school limping and then throughout the school day I would have to stop limping so that no one would know. I was always on the verge of tears and I would pray to be strong and not cry. I made a game for myself after noticing the pleasure my father took when he saw us cry as he beat us. I would try to stay as silent as possible for as long as possible as he beat me. When he would strike me down to the ground, I would keep getting back up, square my shoulders and wait for the next blow. I would keep doing this until my body was no longer able to stand. Then I would stare at him with all the hatred I had wanting God to strike him dead at that moment. My father would respond by slapping my face over and over and over again. I was determined to no longer cry as I was beaten. I took great pleasure in making him angrier because I did not cry and sometimes I would start laughing and pay for it with even more blows to my body.

There was one time I remember where we were all getting our usual beating and a neighbor must have called the police because in the middle of our beating there was a knock at the door. My mother told me to answer the door and to keep quiet about what was going on, she was really scared. I carefully got up from where I had landed after my father’s last blow and I opened the door. I was face to face with a police officer. He told me that a neighbor called because there was noise coming from our apartment. I wanted to tell the police officer that my father was hurting us and I wanted him to stop. But I knew that getting the police involved was wrong and no one would believe me. So I told him that we were fine and the noise was not coming from our apartment. But inside me I wanted the police officer to save us. He seemed to believe me and left. I closed the door having learnt that no one was coming to save us.

The beatings stopped when I was in college but they probably only stopped because my father left the country.

My mother still talks to him on the phone and at times she tries to get me to say hello to him. I really try and limit my contact with him. I do give my mom money to send to him every other month because I feel it is my duty to take care of him but I want no direct contact with him.

A little while ago I watched the movie called I Can Only Imagine (2018) and in that movie I watched the main character, Bart Millard and his mother get beaten and verbally abused by his father. Throughout the movie I started to see it from the father’s point of view of how the father was a failure in life and took out that frustration out on his family. I started to think of my father as not the monster who beat me but as maybe someone who had issues and should not have started a family. After the movie, I felt like God wanted me to forgive my father. To forgive my father for all the pain he caused me, for the shame I felt growing up, and for not loving me.

So if you are a person who prays, please pray for me, pray for God to help me forgive my father. Because I’m having a really hard time forgiving him and I need God’s help. Thank you.

Rossy's Corner

A look back at 2019

As 2019 comes to a close I am taking a look back at the year: the good, the bad and the wonderful.

Dave Ramsey and the Baby Steps – I completed Financial Peace University and I am currently working hard on getting rid of all my debt, target end date is in three years!

Organizer to the rescue – My sister and I hired a professional organizer and she organized our closet making it so much more functional and pretty! I can’t wait to hire her for more rooms!

Tuxedo Mask – A gorgeous male cat limped up the stairs of my house and I got him the medical help he needed. Later we got him adopted out to a loving home.

To date or not to date – I was seeing someone for a while and it was nice but not a perfect fit. I have faith that my perfect fit is out there and when we have both grown as individuals then the universe will let us meet.

Budgeting Rose – I started a vlog on YouTube about my monthly budget and I will continue to expand on it.

Panel – I participated in a panel! Something I have always wanted to do and it was even more amazing then I expected.

Tai Chi – I tried Tai Chi for the first time and I’m going to go again because I need a stress reliever in my life.

Part-time job – I started a part-time job in addition to my full time job and I survived!

Church – I found a church I really like and I have been going regularly and religion is now a big part of my life.

Sister – My mom went to Virginia and reconnected with my sister and now my other sister and I will visit her in Virginia annually!

Corn Maze – I went to my first corn maze with my church group. It was fun and I ended up with really tired legs.

Cooking – My sister and I started cooking (mostly she cooks).

Dinner with friends – I had my first dinner with friends and I really enjoyed myself.

Newark IFF – Our short film The Gift was screened at Newark International Film Festival and the best part was that our mom finally got to see our film and I loved that she watched it.

I am happy with my 2019 experience and I look forward to the adventures I will have in 2020!

Happy New Year!!!!

Rossy's Corner

I thought we had a date

I recently started flirting with a cute security guard at my work parking lot. He eventually asked to be Facebook friends then for my phone number and of course I agreed.

When he asked how could he see me outside of the parking lot setting, I told him to figure it out and then let me know. Eventually, he came back with we could go to his place and play the game Trouble. I asked him to do better but then he said he couldn’t so I countered with getting a coffee at Dunkin Donuts. He doesn’t drink coffee and neither do I so I said I would have a hot chocolate and he can get a water and donut. He told me we should do it today after he finished work. I said ok and then he said he needed to check out two apartments since he needs to move before the end of the month. I told him to give me a call when he was done to let me know when he is ready to meet at Dunkin Donuts. He agreed. I went home, fed my fur babies, prepped onions, tomatoes and other vegetables so my sister could cook and waited for his call.

So the call never came nor did a text to say sorry I can’t meet today and propose a different day. I was done. He showed me who he was (a man who cannot keep his word to me) and I believed him the first time.

I did talk to him a few days later and I did not bring it up …… nor did he. My male bestie believes that the guy might have thought I was joking or he was joking with me or he was clueless or ….or….. I told bestie that those explanations were not necessary since I watched the guy’s actions or lack of action and I believed his actions.

I downgraded him from “potential” and back to “dude I say hello to”.

And that’s what happened …….. or didn’t happened ………

Rossy's Corner

The Perfect Kiss

Before Wonderful I thought I knew what a good kiss was, in fact I believed that I had a few great kisses from a small number of exes. And then Wonderful kissed me. The first time, I was surprised so I didn’t move. But the second first kiss……. was amazing! Every kiss after that one was great too!

Unfortunately, Wonderful has stopped kissing me. We barely speak – a text every so often and we no longer hang out. Yes I know that this means that Wonderful “is not that into me” and I need to stop being so desperate and move on as my bestie so bluntly put it……….. several times.

I’m going through a loss of Wonderful right now and it hurts. I have hope that later on I will meet Wonderful 2.0, who will rhyme with my drum beat and whose kisses will knock me off my feet! But until that day that I meet Wonderful 2.0 I am happy for what Wonderful showed me and I will be okay. So yes I’m still single, I have kissing withdrawal but I’m alive! And where there is life, there is hope! (And I hope that I will get to enjoy more perfect kisses.)